The free music streaming app is certainly quite nice.

But it doesn’t hold a candle to the subversive genius that is Pandora, the jewelry company.

My sister-in-law is, as I write, being fêted in the other room of my other sister-in-law’s house by a seething throng of 40-something ladies who have gathered to celebrate her 40th birthday a la surprise.

Someone managed to figure out that the birthday sister-in-law was a fan of the Pandora charm experience.  I will neither confirm nor deny that person was my wife.

So earlier today my wife and I visited a jewelry store in Florham Park, NJ, and experienced Pandora for the first time.

Oh.  My.

Every aspect of the Pandora experience is controlled, scripted and designed.  Trays of perfectly ordered charms in silver, blown glass and probably uranium are presented to the inquiring buyer.  Bracelet discussions followed.  The merits of one, two or three locking stays are considered, as you don’t want your charms falling off your bracelet or, heaven forbid, wandering in an unseemly manner across your wrist.

We picked out a gift for my sister-in-law, and that’s when the rest of the experience took over.

Because when a purchase is made, the charm is tied - TIED - onto a custom-crafted tray and fitted in an equally custom-crafted Pandora box, which is tied with a Pandora ribbon, placed in a Pandora bag which is decorated with…wait for it…Pandora crepe paper.  For Good Measure, a Pandora brochure slips into the bag.

I watched with horror as my wife’s eyes glazed over slowly.  We were buying a gift for someone else, but I could sense the contact virus working its way through her nervous system.  This is a woman who recycles aluminum foil.  And she was falling for it.

It is pure genius.

They’ve taken a moribund old jewelry tradition and not just updated it but totally reinvented it for the 21st century.  It’s awe-inspiring.  It’s brilliant.

I’m very, very afraid.